Warnings: slash, existentialism, nuns, disturbing religious content, sex. If you are religious (or my little brother) PLZ CLICK THE "BACK" BUTTON!!! I’M NOT KIDDING!
Notes: Written for the BadFic challenge on ds_flashfiction. This is deliberate badfic. I'm so sorry.
Prompt: (by girl_clone): Ray and Frazer are kidnaped by Nuns who work for the KGB. Can they excape? Or will Deif and Frannie have to rescue them? And will Thatcher and Trunbul ever admit there love? Pls R&R NO FLAMES THIS IS MY FIRST STROY> ^_^;
Part 19/?? – A Religious Experience
Seven of the nuns took Constable Benton Fraser and his blonde partner, Detective Ray Kowalski, CPD, down into the bowels of the church. The pretty blue-eyed one and the tall one with big breasts tied Kowalski to a life-sized wooden crucifix on one side of the room, and the other five tied Benton to a large brass lectern with eagles on, and a scroll that was inscripted with Psalm 39, verse 2 on the other side of the room. The nuns spoke together in hushed reverent tones for nearly half an hour, and then left and turned out the light.
The door shut with a clang.
"Benton," said Kowalski across the dark crypt that separated them. "Those nuns ain't American. They were speaking wrong."
"I believe they were speaking Cyrillic, so yes, I agree with your conclusion. In fact, it would not surprise me at all if they were Russian," the Mountie agreed. "You know, Ray, I have always felt a strong affinity for nuns. I believe that in my last life, I myself was a woman of religious persuasion."
"You were a woman?" asked Kowalski, shocked. A queer look glowed in his eye. For some reason, that really buttered his muffin.
Fraser chuckled. "Yes, I believe so. How about you, Ray? What were you in your last life?"
"Me? I was a lesbian." Kowalski was determined to prove that he was open-minded. He was also horny as a two-toed owl.
It was pitch dark in the crypt. Kowalski couldn't see a thing, not even the pale skin of the other man's cheek. He closed his eyes and pictured the Mountie's wonderful visage: trembling red lips, eyelashes like sable, strong even white teeth. He was truly the archetype of manly beauty. Oh my god, he thought, having an epiphany. I'm in love with him. "I love you, Benton!" he blurted, and then blushed as red as the RCMP serge.
"And I, you, Ray," came Fraser's voice from out of the darkness.
"Greatness," cried Kowalski. "Let's fuck."
"We're both tied up, Ray," Fraser pointed out.
"I know, Benton. In fact, it's turning me on." Kowalski shifted uncomfortably against the crucifix where he was tied up, trying to relieve the bulge in his pants of Biblical proportions. Christ's feet were digging into the backs of his legs. "Why is this turning me on?"
"I think that you have a bondage kink, Ray," Fraser explained. "Personally, I have a kink for incense, and since we are tied up in the basement of a church I can smell a thousand years of accumulated sweetness." The Mountie inhaled deeply and added gravely, "Oh my!"
"Fraser, get over here!"
"I'm tied up, Ray."
"So am I."
"Well, fuck." Nothing was more frustrating than the valley of the shadow of sexual frustration that lay between Kowalski and his Mountie. Being an atheist, he didn't even have God to comfort him.
The Mountie turned his attention to the ties that bound him with renewed vigour, spurred on by the promise of much longed-for intimacy with his spiky-haired partner. Luckily at that moment he remembered that he had some beef jerky in his hat. He held it close to the ropes around his wrists, and soon a rat came and gnawed through the ropes for him, freeing him. "Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray," he said.
He knew he should untie Kowalski, and they should hasten to escape. His intellect warred with his desire and lost. "Ray," Fraser begged. "May I fellate you?"
"Fuck yeah," said Kowalski. "Wait, what about the nuns?" But by the time he voiced that hesitation, Fraser was no longer listening.
Kowalski stretched out on the crucifix, feeling the tight ropes cutting off the circulation to his hands, and the knobbly carving of the mostly-naked Jesus at his back. His desire grew like the swelling of a church organ, echoing off the rafters, and his spirits rose. "Suck me," he groaned. "Eat me."
"For whosoever eats of my flesh shall never hunger," quoted Fraser reverently, and he fell to his knees before the cross and took Ray's burning erection into the sanctuary of his pious mouth.
Kowalski gasped. "Jesus!" he cried out. "Fraser!" Fuck, it was like being born again. It was totally a religious experience, especially given that Fraser was practically a saint who was baptising Kowalski with his mouth.
Fraser closed his eyes and tasted Kowalski. His rich full erection tasted of long lonely winters and repressed longing for the Mountie, and the richly perfumed soap (like incense) that Kowalski used. Fraser moaned.
Kowalski screamed with the intensity of his feeling. He had never felt so hot, so sexy, so manly as now, when he had his dick in Saint Benton's mouth, and was rubbing his ass against the carved wooden loincloth of his Lord. "Bless me!" he cried. "Yes! Bless me! Oh Jesus! Oh God! Oh Fraser! Fucking BLESS me!" With those words, he flooded his lover's mouth with cum and gratitude.
Fraser swallowed appreciatively, as though taking the sacrament.
Behind him he heard awkward shuffling, and outraged whispers in a foreign tongue.
He opened his eyes and turned to see a congregation of surly Russian nuns crossing themselves in horror and disgust. The sight of the nuns combined with the taste of his beloved's sperm in his mouth overwhelmed the Mountie, and he instantly came with a long hoarse shout. "Uuuuuuuuuungh!"
The nuns continued to watch in silence as Benton collected himself back together and repented of what he had done. "Oh dear," he mumbled at last, because he felt so guilty for desecrating the crypt with his love for his blonde-haired partner.
I will write the next chapter after I have finished studying for my math test tomorrow, 'kay? Pls comment. Thnx.