Notes: For pearl_o's five kisses meme
Ray kissed Fraser and stopped fighting. He stopped fighting the world and himself, and loneliness, which had become like Chinese water torture. He stopped fighting what everyone thought of him, and who he was supposed to be, and all the ways he came up short. He breathed out a long shuddering breath into Fraser's mouth, and gave in, and the surrender was like honey, flowing thick and sweet through his limbs.
Ray didn't know what had woken him. He lay in bed listening to the low growl of traffic, and watching shadows on the ceiling from the streetlights. Listening to Fraser breathing beside him, and the wolf snoring in the living room.
Fraser murmured something in his sleep. "No." The words barely a whisper. "No, I can't—No. Don't."
Ray propped himself up on his hand and leaned over him, pressing his lips to Fraser's forehead and cheek and mouth. Kissing away his ghosts.
Ray couldn't stop laughing. "The guy with the carrot, Fraser!" he gasped. "God! Did you see his face when you—" He hiccupped and leaned on the kitchen counter so he could stay upright, fighting to get air into his lungs. "I never seen—anyone—" He waved his hand in the air, lost for words.
Fraser smiled in appreciation, sharing the joke, but his eyes were hot and intent and fixed on Ray's mouth.
Ray held up his hands to keep Fraser at bay, still laughing. Jesus, he was gonna suffocate—die laughing—But it was too late: Fraser's hands caught Ray's shoulders and his lips parted, and wow, hot kisses. Fraser licked into Ray's mouth, and Ray felt the laughter dissolve into his bloodstream, little bubbles of hysteria and happiness. He was shocked sober, his laughter softening into kisses, and he clung to Fraser to keep from floating away.
"Yes," moaned Fraser. "Ray—yeah." And Ray was sliding into him, turning himself—turning both of them inside out, while the snow fell outside. Ray felt raw, his throat aching, his body hot and sweating, and Fraser around him, close and open, letting him—
I love him, Ray thought, the words falling into his head like the answer to a puzzle he'd been turning over and over. He bent and kissed Fraser's shoulderblade, the skin salty and slick against his mouth.
Fraser pushed back against him. I love you.
In the pitch dark, too far apart. Fraser stiff and distant. Even without touching, without seeing, Ray knew he was turned away, his back like a wall between them. It made Ray ache worse than he'd ever felt before. Like he'd strained his heart muscle. Like they were falling apart. Fighting wasn't supposed to be final like this. He couldn't let them—he couldn't do this.
He reached out his hand into the dark and touched Fraser's hot cheek, sliding forward to brush across his lips. Hot breath damp on his palm, and then Fraser was kissing his fingertips, his lips hard and wet, sucking them into his mouth. Ray gasped and his eyes fell shut. "I'm sorry." Jesus. "I didn't mean it, Frase. I can't leave."