Thanks: Many thanks to Isis and Woolly for beta
Notes: For the Genre 2007 challenge. BtVS/DS crossover.
"Vecchio, me. Your partner. Let me in."
"Who? What do you want?"
"What I usually want, Kowalski. Stop kidding around and let me the fuck in."
Q. Why did Kowalski cross the road?
A. Turns out he apprehended some perp called Rayne, professional troublemaker, and Rayne hit him with the hetero stick or something. I haven't managed to get a straight story out of either of them (which, you know, if I wasn't so pissed, I could maybe laugh about that), but from what I can gather, Kowalski woke up yesterday morning and all of a sudden he didn't swing my way anymore. Didn't swing the guy way, the gay way. He woke up straight.
"Who the hell do you think it is, Einstein?"
"Give it up, Vecchio. I'm not buying."
"So you're just going to let this Rayne guy screw up your life? That's not like you, Kowalski."
"Maybe he didn't screw it up. Maybe he fixed it. Maybe I like it like this."
"Yeah? Fuck you, too."
Q. What do you get if you cross Kowalski with his ex-wife?
Man, if you'd asked me last week, I would have told you no way. No way in hell. Kowalski and me'd been a steady thing for going on six months now. We were solid, you know? Something I could count on. But this afternoon I look down the hallway at the station and he's got Stella — our ex-wife, Stella — backed up against the wall. He's leaning over her, sweet smile, low voice, and she's falling for it. He's sending all the right signals.
I'm losing everything.
"Get out of here, Vecchio."
"I need to talk to you."
"Not now. I've got company."
"What the fuck's going on? Ray?"
Q. What do you call a Mountie in the arctic circle of Canada?
A. "Benny? Shit, listen, I know it's the middle of the night. I'm sorry, I just— it's Kowalski. There's something going on with him, and I— Something's wrong, and it's not a natural kind of wrong, and I didn't know who else to call about it. Call me back, okay? Maybe you know a shaman or Eskimo witch or someone who might have some answers, or maybe— I'm losing him, Benny. You've got to help me."
Doctor, doctor, my boyfriend's in love with his ex-wife.
Yeah, that's the punchline.
"Again? Listen, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry you're— whatever. Hurt. I didn't mean that, but—"
"I'm not letting this go. This isn't right. You know it isn't, and Stella sure as hell knows you're not yourself."
"What the fuck do you know about it?"
"I know you."
"Stella, it's me. Can we talk?"
"Ray? I don't think—"
"Listen, I know it's late, but you know it's not right. You know Kowalski's got his head on backwards. You of all people."
"Aw, jeez. I'm sorry, Stell. It's not like I want to— It's just, listen, there was this perp, Rayne. He cursed Kowalski and ever since, he's been—"
"He's been the man I always wanted him to be."
"He's— You're right. He's not himself."
"Will you help me?"
"I— I don't know. I need to think about it."
A cop and a Mountie walk into a bar. "We're looking for associates of a Mr. Ethan Rayne. You wouldn't by any chance happen to know—"
"Benny!" Ray interrupts, and flashes his badge. "Chicago PD. Any of you scum-suckers know a guy called Rayne?"
A grimy older man with bumps on his forehead that, in better light, might look like horns makes a dash for the back exit. He's cornered by a deaf half-wolf.
Ray drags the man (or whatever he is) outside into the alley. His hands tighten into fists, but he keeps himself reined in. "Okay, now you are going to explain to me what the fuck is going on with my partner."
The man shoots a nervous look at the wolf. "Th-th-the M-M-M-Mountie?"
"No, wiseass. My other partner."
"Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and—"
"Royal Canadian who?"
"Detective Raymond Vecchio, of the Your Worst Nightmare PD. Come on, Rayne. We know what you did and we're going to make you undo it."
"I see, and what would be in it for me, exactly?"
"You wouldn't get my fist through your face."
"Now, Ray, I'm not sure that's the most constructive—"
"He fucked with Kowalski's mind, Fraser! This isn't just about me. He dug his grubby fingers into— I swear to God, asshole, if you don't make this right I'm going to break every one of your—"
"All right, all right. I'll fix it. There are just a few things I'll need."
Q. What did Kowalski say when Rayne lifted the curse?
A. "Oh. Oh, Jesus. Oh, fuck, Vecchio. Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll— Forgive me? I'll make it up to you. I will."
A. "Stell, I didn't— You know that wasn't— I love you, you know that, but— I. Thanks, Stell."
A. "Fraser. Thanks, buddy. I— God, it's good to see you. I'm glad you came. Thanks. Yeah, yeah, we're good. We'll be okay."
"Don't even joke about it, Kowalski."
"No, I know. Get your ass in here. I've got something for you."
Q. How many cops does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
A. Two. Both by the name of Ray. (Forget about the lightbulb, okay?)