What Fucking Turtles?

by china_shop


Oh shit, oh SHIT! Fraser's trying to KILL me! Fraser pushed me out of the plane! Jesus, I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

I wonder if Stella'll be sad.

You know what? Who gives a rat's weenie about Stella?! I'm going to DIE! I never thought Fraser would push me out of a fucking PLANE! Off a building? Yeah, maybe. Down a laundry chute into a moat full of crocodiles? Well, with Fraser, who can tell? But free-falling out of an AIRPLANE in this freezing fucking WIND? Nope. Never saw that one coming.

Fuck, it's COLD! I'm going to be a popsicle before I even hit the ground.

Hit the ground.

Jeez, don't think about that.

Fraser's probably up there in the plane, still, watching me get smaller and smaller, till I disappear — SPLAT! Bastard.

Ouch! Oh! Oh fuck! Okay, no, I was wrong about that, at least. He's right behind me. What's he—? He's WAVING?!

Fuck you, Benton Fraser, RCMP! Just FUCK you! I'm going to die, and it's all because of you. When the hell did this partnership become a suicide pact, anyway? When did I sign up for this?

If I wasn't so scared, I'd've pissed myself by now. If I wasn't so scared, my teeth'd be chattering right out of my head. Got to grit my teeth. Fuck, that hurts. Got to—

Okay, okay. Stay calm. What the hell am I supposed to do? What's "standard procedure" here? Heights, heights— uh, okay. Don't look down.

Don't look down.

Okay, THAT's just fucking stupid. I CAN'T not look down. There's nowhere else to look, and if I have to die, I'm not doing it with my eyes shut. I'm looking, okay? Christ, it's blinding.

Ice fields.

Ice! That's hard. Like when you fall over at the rink and scrape your knee, but at this speed, it'll be like— It's gonna HURT.

Don't think about it.

La la la— What's that song? The one by The Police? Da doo doo doo. Sting had cool hair. Never could get my hair like that.

Oh fuck, you know what? Those dots aren't ants. They're not! They're fucking trees. And it's— it's getting close now. It's kind of pretty, actually. You know, as places to die go, I could've done worse. Could've been a dirty alley, or mashed into the Goat's dashboard on Lake Drive. But no, I got Canada for my final resting place. At the speed I'm falling, it could be a LOT of Canada.

Hey, is that a caribou?

I wonder if it will be friends with me.

 

Ooooomph!

 

 

Ow!

Oh, sweet Jesus, my head! Hey, wait a minute—

I'm alive.

I think I'm alive! I am! Owwwwww! But so what if I hurt? Who cares?! I'm alive!

Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I love you, Canada! I love you, snow! I love you Benton fucking Fraser, RCMP! I fucking love you!

Oh, thank Christ!


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